Self-Realization time

So, there are moments in life where your eyes are opened up and you realize something about yourself.  Some of them can be good moments (like when you found out that you had feet as an infant).  And other moments of self-realization are not so great.

I had a not so great moment of self-realization tonight.  Before I get right to the point I would like to give you a little bit of a set up first.  There are two groups of people that I like to spend time with here in the city after evening events.  One group is my age and I love them all.  They are intelligent, fun-loving and very focused on developing deep and meaningful relationships.  It's a great group that I really am honored to be a part of it.  The other group is slightly older then I am and also intelligent, fun-loving, and focused on developing deep and meaningful relationships.  Normally I wouldn't have any problem with bouncing back and forth between them (and that's what I've been doing for a while now) but tonight something happened.  I realized something about myself that I had never known before.  I am a relational wuss.  I don't want to commit to one group or the other because it leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed when I share too much with people.  I like to hold back.

For the last few months I've been spending more time with the older group because it's easier for me.  They demand less of me.  I don't have to work as hard to feel like I fit.  Most of the people in that group think like I do and are as quick (if not quicker) to spout off some sarcastic remark in response to someone  else's statements.  It's easy there.  I'm comfortable with them.  I don't have to work to belong or to join in, it just happens.

When I'm with the group that is more towards my age it feels dangerous and unsafe.  I'm afraid that if I do show myself that I won't be acceptable or that I will say something wrong.  It's kind of like being in the 7th grade all over again.  I know that it shouldn't be that way because they already know me and they seem to like me but I'm just not sure about it.  The work that it is going to take for me to find my place in that group is demanding and intense.  

I've been copping out lately with the whole "but my work takes so much from me emotionally that I don't want to have to be emotionally engaged when I'm hanging out with people."  Such a lame excuse.  It robs me of so much.  I am allowing my laziness and my own fears to steal away my enjoyment of the people that God has placed in my life.  God has made me for relationships and when I bail out on that I am bailing out on his will for my life.  One of the things I came to the city for was to develop relationships with other people that are in my age group and now I'm avoiding the involvement in it.

So, now I've got to choose.  Do I remain this relational wuss person that I have become out of my fears, lack of motivation and sense of self-entitlement or do I suck it up and dive in no matter what the cost?

Have you ever been a relational wuss?  What happened and how did you deal with it? (Did you deal with it?) Join me and take the dive, jump in and give even when you're afraid of rejection.  Worst thing that can happen is we cry a little, right?

Nervous and Committing,

Mel C