Thursday, December 30, 2010

Any Thing But Normal

"I just want to feel normal." is what was tossed in my face tonight as I enforced one of the rules in our house.  
That line cracks me up, and I responded with "There is no normal when you follow God."

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Self-Realization time

So, there are moments in life where your eyes are opened up and you realize something about yourself.  Some of them can be good moments (like when you found out that you had feet as an infant).  And other moments of self-realization are not so great.

I had a not so great moment of self-realization tonight.  Before I get right to the point I would like to give you a little bit of a set up first.  There are two groups of people that I like to spend time with here in the city after evening events.  One group is my age and I love them all.  They are intelligent, fun-loving and very focused on developing deep and meaningful relationships.  It's a great group that I really am honored to be a part of it.  The other group is slightly older then I am and also intelligent, fun-loving, and focused on developing deep and meaningful relationships.  Normally I wouldn't have any problem with bouncing back and forth between them (and that's what I've been doing for a while now) but tonight something happened.  I realized something about myself that I had never known before.  I am a relational wuss.  I don't want to commit to one group or the other because it leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed when I share too much with people.  I like to hold back.

For the last few months I've been spending more time with the older group because it's easier for me.  They demand less of me.  I don't have to work as hard to feel like I fit.  Most of the people in that group think like I do and are as quick (if not quicker) to spout off some sarcastic remark in response to someone  else's statements.  It's easy there.  I'm comfortable with them.  I don't have to work to belong or to join in, it just happens.

When I'm with the group that is more towards my age it feels dangerous and unsafe.  I'm afraid that if I do show myself that I won't be acceptable or that I will say something wrong.  It's kind of like being in the 7th grade all over again.  I know that it shouldn't be that way because they already know me and they seem to like me but I'm just not sure about it.  The work that it is going to take for me to find my place in that group is demanding and intense.  

I've been copping out lately with the whole "but my work takes so much from me emotionally that I don't want to have to be emotionally engaged when I'm hanging out with people."  Such a lame excuse.  It robs me of so much.  I am allowing my laziness and my own fears to steal away my enjoyment of the people that God has placed in my life.  God has made me for relationships and when I bail out on that I am bailing out on his will for my life.  One of the things I came to the city for was to develop relationships with other people that are in my age group and now I'm avoiding the involvement in it.

So, now I've got to choose.  Do I remain this relational wuss person that I have become out of my fears, lack of motivation and sense of self-entitlement or do I suck it up and dive in no matter what the cost?

Have you ever been a relational wuss?  What happened and how did you deal with it? (Did you deal with it?) Join me and take the dive, jump in and give even when you're afraid of rejection.  Worst thing that can happen is we cry a little, right?

Nervous and Committing,

Mel C

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Babies and Toddlers, Toddlers and Babies...

So, I'm part of a singles ministry group at my church.  That means, obviously, that there are a lot of couples involved that have babies or toddlers.  Tonight we went caroling as a group.  I was privileged enough to carry a young baby around during our first half hour or so.  It was so breath taking to sing songs about the birth of Christ as I carried this baby around in the cold.  (She was wrapped up to the point that both of us were sweating, so stop your worrying about her being out in the cold!)  I very rarely get to be around infants but when I am something in my clicks and finds peace at the simplicity of a new life.  I know that being a parent isn't simple or easy, but man oh man being an infant is pure instincts.

We ended our night at our singles ministers house.  I got to hold a teeny tiny little girl there for a while.  She was so new she doesn't focus yet.  And then I had to toddlers climb up in my lap, hand me a picture bible and tell me to read.  We spent the better part of an hour "reading" through the Old Testament in this Bible.  It was precious because one of them knew some of the stories that the pictures went with and would get really excited about them.

I'm not sure what it is about being around children that makes me feel like a real person, but something just fits.  (I know that it's because I'm a lady and I was made for that but it feels like something so much more then that.)  I love knowing that there is this little person who doesn't know much about the world except for the love they have been and are being shown.  It blows my mind and makes me want to be a better person.  I want more times like this in my life.  Yeah.

Mel C

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Emotional Defrag

So, we had graduation today.  What that means is that two of the ladies in the house completed the ceremony and have now left our home.  It's part of the job, but man it's rough.  It's so exciting that it'll take your breath away but at the same time it leaves you feeling like part of your family is gone, because they are.

Our program is more of a family then it actually is a program.  The ten students that we have become sisters to each other.  They are together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  (And yes, it gets as tedious as it sounds.)  The bonds and the relationships that they build are the some of the first healthy ones that some of these women have ever had.  The two ladies that left today were key in the dynamic of the house.

I didn't realize how much this would impact me until I found myself staring at the walls in the office trying to will myself to do something.  One of the ladies told me tonight that I can't hold my emotions in because it will get to be bad real quick.  The issue is that I feel the need to be this strong, steady person for them because no one else has been.  On days like today I usually fail at that.  Today was no different.

I broke apart tonight.  Not in some huge emotional snot-fest, but in a weeping, teary eyed push through it kind of way.  It was really amazing though.  Because in the middle of me having to deal with myself I was also having to deal with an argument that had occurred.  I love how just when we feel like we have no value and no use God will prove to us that he is still able to not only use us, but that he wants us.

Tonight was about me being reminded that I am not alone and that all the ladies here are more then just my students, they are also my sisters.  One of Satan's tricks is to make us think that we are alone in this mess called life.  It's a lie.  We are not alone.  God is with us and he will usually provide a network of people to support and encourage you when you need it the most.  And if not, He will be more then enough support for you.  He has proven this more times that I can count in my life and in the history of the church.

So, tonight as I am emotionally empty and drained I turn to him and choose to rest in His presence because I am not alone.  I am his and he is mine.

Emotionally done,

Mel C

Reasons why I love my job...

This past May I moved from my cozy small college town that I called home to the biggest city in the state for a new job.  I live and work in a Bible based addiction and recovery home for women.  I have had a lot of days that ended with me crying and wondering why I have to be here and deal with the mess that comes from this work but today was a huge reminder of why I love being here and dealing with this mess.  In honor of that I'm going to share with you some reasons why I love my job...

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Avoiding the Necessary and Making My Bucket List

So, I've been avoiding this blog for a few weeks.  It's not something I'm proud of just a continuation of a well established bad habit.  I tend to avoid things that I'm uncertain about.  Let me give you a few examples.  I currently should be finishing up a training manual for work, putting together several craft-based Christmas gifts, cleaning my bedroom, organizing my desk, putting together a DVD for Tuesdays graduation service, folding clothes, and any other number of things.  So, I've decided to blog for the first time in two weeks because none of the rest of that is really calling my name right now.

Why I've been avoiding my blog is a completely different story.  I just am not really sure that I like the direction this whole thing is going in.  I like having a place to express myself, but I'm struggling with expressing myself here.   Maybe I need some kind of point in this.  Or perhaps I struggle because the idea of this being out there for the whole wide world to read is scary (even though I've only told 3 people about it and so I'm slipping under the radar of local and international interest).  I think the real reason I'm having a hard time is because I'm afraid of being rejected.  I don't like to do things that I'm not sure I'll be successful at.  I prefer to ignore my homework when it scares me.  I don't clean once my space gets past a certain point because, well I'm lazy and get annoyed at my lack of concern for tidiness. But I didn't get on here today to talk about why I procrastinate, I got on here to respond to a post from my dear friend at  Earlier this week she posted about her bucket list and tagged several other bloggers (including me) and asked what would be on our bucket lists, so here it goes:


  • I want to visit more countries then my step-grandfather did.  (He went to over 90 countries in his life.  I am currently at 8, well 9 if you count America.) 
  • I want to recreate some of the pictures that I have of my Grandmother in those places.  (There are some pretty awesome black and whites of her in places like Rome, Venezuela, Peru, all over Europe.  It's been really cool to look through them and be able to say, "Hey, I've been there.)
  • I want a family, a big huge family.  We're talking at least 4 kids and who ever else wants to join us can.  (Table for 12 please.)
  • I want a marriage that reflects the love and forgiveness of God.  (aka someone who is can forgive all the mistakes that I make on a regular basis.)
  • I would like to pull myself together long enough to write a book.
  • I want to be debt free (that may not sound that exciting to you, but for me it would mean a new kind of freedom).
  • I want to see the 7 wonders of the world.
  • I want to spend some time in the Amazon River Area.  (like several months)
  • I want to go out "dressed to the 9's" for no real reason.
  • I would like to pay someone to do my make up for me for at least a week (random, but true.  I've always wanted my own personal stylist.)
  • I want to dance (classy kind of dancing) under a street light with out a care about who is watching.
I think that's a good start.  There are a lot of other things I want to do, but these are the ones that have come up first.  So, there you have it.  11 things that I hope to do before I die.  And honestly I believe that God has more exciting things then this for me, I'm just to nervous to put them in writing at this point.  So, what's your bucket list look like?