Struggle, struggle, struggle. That's what this week has been all about. I've struggled to sleep. I've struggled to stay dry eyed. I've struggled at work. I've struggled in my room. I've struggled at church. I've struggled at school. I've struggled. That's the sum of it. It's been hard and tiring. And I've discovered the problem.
I haven't been having my personal times with God. It had been an embarassingly long time since I had had a quiet time and I seemed to be doing just fine. But then we went on a three day trip with work. When we came back from that it was like nothing in the world was every going to be right again. (Dramatic, right?) I made it through Tuesday and Wednesday simply because I didn't have to go to work. Thursday I went to my Bible study and conviction ran deep because I was 9 days behind in a 5 day a week assignment book. When I got to work I was weepy and tired and upset. I wanted nothing more then to just walk away. I was ready to run out on my responsibility, on my calling, on what God required of me. I was ready to go like Jonah on a boat to Tarsesh. Not the best response to a hard week.
But I didn't. I cried privately when I could, I did my job. I collected work from my students. I did what I had to to make it through my shift. And then I slept, after reading through the book of Jonah. I slept for 9 plus hours, it was fantastic. And then I got up and had some time with God. Yesterday was better. I wasn't as stressed out. I actually got some work done. I walked like a woman who knew where she was headed.
Last night was a blessing. I got to attend a concert that benefited the adoption ministry at my church; I cried a few times because God is breaking my heart for the children of the word that need to be taken into good homes. After the concert I ran into these four beautiful children that had recently been brought into a loving home and it was great to sit in the floor and let them climb all over me for a few minutes.
Today I'm making it. I'm fighting because I know that it's worth it. I'm pushing on because I know that I have too. I want to be the woman that God has made me to be and I want to be here at all times, not just when I'm at work or at school or at church. I want to be that woman at all times. I want to be God's in all that I do.
I want a home that is full of children that are loved when the world deemed them unlovable.
I want a life that changes others because I choose to be obedient to the Lord, my God who was the creator of the land and the sea.
I want a life so full of love and joy that others can't help but be drawn in.
I want a life that serves and glorifies God in all things.