I fail.

Today was a great day.  I started my day with laundry and (re)setting up my budget for this paycheck.  I'm one of those people who likes to make budgets but don't really do that great of a job of following my budget.  So, today I had to do some leg work to make sure that I would not be (gasp!) overdrawn.  Over drawn is one of those places no one wants to be in because it means that you have no money and having no money is going to cost you money.  I try to avoid that area of the world as much as possible.  There was a time in my life where it was an almost monthly thing.  My mother and I wrote it off as I was unhappy with my current career path (aka student teaching) and too much stress.  In all honesty it was a case of immaturity and lack of responsibility.

We never think that though, or at least I don't.  I never stop to think about what the situations in my life actually mean.  I usually look for a way out or a person (not me!) to blame.  Part of growing up and maturing in your relationship with Jesus is realizing that you are to blame.  That you do make mistakes and fail and flounder and just plain go the wrong way.  With that realization comes the revelation of how wrong we are.  We are flawed and failing.

For someone like me that's a "jagged little pill" to swallow (thank you Alanis Morrisett).  I tend to expect my "work", what ever it is to be great.  I don't know that I ever shoot to be #1 but I like to be a contender.  I push to impress and satisfy and anticipate peoples needs in all kinds of situations.  I can be scary good at it also.  But the thing about it is I have a little bitty pride issue.  I like recognition, I like to be praised, I desire to be noticed and "oohed and aaahhhed" over.   And then I mess up.  I lock my keys in the office.  It takes me 6 hours to get somewhere that is less then 2 hours away.  I fall up the steps.  I forget the lesson plan.  I break the glass out of a window.  I lie.  I pretend to not know.  I spend money like I have money.  I over book my life.  I serve with the wrong heart.  I fail.

I fail.
I fail.
I fail.

And then something amazing happens.  God doesn't.  He doesn't fail, he doesn't trip up, he doesn't get broken, he doesn't fail.  Even as I fail, God succeeds.  He wins.  The universe doesn't collapse because my cake didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.  Volcanoes don't erupt because I over sleep and worlds don't collide when I don't get to go out to eat.

The last eight months have been a very humbling and eye opening experience for me.  I have no idea how to succeed at my job.  I don't know what it's going to take for me to be "successful" here.  Most days I have no idea of what is happening and if I think I do it changes faster then I can breathe.  I have learned to laugh as I fail.  To enjoy patiently waiting for someone to come when I lock my self out.  To chuckle when I realize that I should have stayed on I-64 instead of going north.  To relax when I can't finish my laundry because the machines are full.  God has shown me that his plan is complete and that he has chosen to use me and all my failures to advance his kingdom in this world.

So, here's to our continued failure.  That we may never forget that in our weakness, God is strong.  Lock your keys in the wrong places, break a few dishes, go the wrong direction, and remember that God redeems, redirects, and renews.

In love and laughter,

Mel C

In no way am I telling you to go out and blatantly sin; what I am saying is that you can not let your sin keep you from God.  If you've made a mistake, confess it and move on.  Do not allow it to consume you and keep you from being with God; he has made a way in spite of our mistakes.