A Recap

Struggle, struggle, struggle.  That's what this week has been all about.  I've struggled to sleep.  I've struggled to stay dry eyed.  I've struggled at work.  I've struggled in my room.  I've struggled at church.  I've struggled at school.  I've struggled.  That's the sum of it.  It's been hard and tiring.  And I've discovered the problem.

I haven't been having my personal times with God.  It had been an embarassingly long time since I had had a quiet time and I seemed to be doing just fine.  But then we went on a three day trip with work.  When we came back from that it was like nothing in the world was every going to be right again.  (Dramatic, right?)  I made it through Tuesday and Wednesday simply because I didn't have to go to work.  Thursday I went to my Bible study and conviction ran deep because I was 9 days behind in a 5 day a week assignment book.  When I got to work I was weepy and tired and upset.  I wanted nothing more then to just walk away.  I was ready to run out on my responsibility, on my calling, on what God required of me.  I was ready to go like Jonah on a boat to Tarsesh.  Not the best response to a hard week.

But I didn't.  I cried  privately when I could, I did my job.  I collected work from my students.  I did what I had to to make it through my shift.  And then I slept, after reading through the book of Jonah.  I slept for 9 plus hours, it was fantastic.  And then I got up and had some time with God.  Yesterday was better.  I wasn't as stressed out.  I actually got some work done.  I walked like a woman who knew where she was headed.

Last night was a blessing.  I got to attend a concert that benefited the adoption ministry at my church; I cried a few times because God is breaking my heart for the children of the word that need to be taken into good homes.  After the concert I ran into these four beautiful children that had recently been brought into a loving home and it was great to sit in the floor and let them climb all over me for a few minutes.

Today I'm making it.  I'm fighting because I know that it's worth it.  I'm pushing on because I know that I have too.  I want to be the woman that God has made me to be and I want to be here at all times, not just when I'm at work or at school or at church.  I want to be that woman at all times.  I want to be God's in all that I do.

I want a home that is full of children that are loved when the world deemed them unlovable.

I want a life that changes others because I choose to be obedient to the Lord, my God who was the creator of the land and the sea.

I want a life so full of love and joy that others can't help but be drawn in.

I want a life that serves and glorifies God in all things.

Mel C

The weather has turned here.  The temperature went from 101 degrees to the high 60's overnight this past weekend.  It's so strange around here.  It's cold and drizzly like we are in the Northwestern part of the country, but we aren't; we're in Kentucky.

I find the weather fitting for how I feel today.  It's been a strange day.  I've been draggy when I've wanted to have energy.  I've been sleepy when I needed to be awake.  I've been awake when I should have been asleep.  I've been moody when I should have been steady.  I've been scattered when I should have been organized.

I find myself discontent.  I love what I do.  I love the work God has me doing, but I'm tired.  For some reason I find myself wanting to go any where else.  This is a struggle that I watch the Ladies of the house deal with on a regular basis.  Being here is hard, in every capacity.

Mel C

That Girl is Gone...

Since so few people actually read this thing, I'm going to write about what is on my heart today without worrying about sounding prideful, because this isn't about my pride.  It's about God's grace and His glory through my testimony.

Last night I realized how much God has changed me.

I have worked more then 24 hours since 2 pm Thursday.  It has been a long couple of days at work.  I know my limits, and they are very, very near.  As in it could get ugly if I'm at work later then I'm scheduled to work today.  I miss having more than an 8 hour turn around between shifts.  But at the same time I have learned a lot about the person I'm becoming here.

In college, way back when I was just starting out on this journey with God (9 years ago last month), I prayed crazy prayers.  The kind of prayers that you pray when you are young because you don't really understand the work that is going to come after you pray them.  I asked God for patience.  I asked that He would help me to be a better listener.  I asked that He would lead me to a position of ministry with women.  I prayed that He would give me a job that impacted lives in a direct fashion.  I prayed that God would lead me to women to disciple.  I prayed all these things with out really understanding the words coming out of my mouth.

Now 9 years later I find that I am a woman I never expected to become.  I never anticipated that I would be patient enough to hold my words until I could speak without harming others.  I didn't think I would ever be living and working in an addiction recover facility.  I didn't know that praying for someone to disciple would mean living with 13 other women in a 3 story house.  I never would have imagined that I would be going to a Southern Baptist Seminary for graduate school.  I didn't think that God could or would change me so much.

Last night the ladies expressed some of how they see me and I was taken aback.  It's alarming to hear how other people view you.  It's also alarming how easily satan can convince you of how flawed you are.  I struggled with knowing if I was the woman the ladies described me as or if I am the woman I have known myself to be.

And then, well actually just now, I remembered 2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away, the new has come."  I am not the flawed, self-centered woman that I was even just a year ago.  (I will point out that I still have huge struggles and issues on a regular basis, they are just not the ones that I used to have because I have matured past those issues for the time being.)  I have been made new and I experience new mercies everyday.  I am not the girl that I was, I am becoming more and more the woman that God has made me to be and it's been happening when I wasn't paying attention.

I am amazed at the work that God has done in the little time that I have lived here.  When I think about the things I struggled with daily before I moved I realize that my battles are very different.  God is teaching me the fine art of preserving and pushing forward toward the prize.

 I am more then changed.

We are more then changed.

We are made new, completely new.

The belief that "this is just how I am" is false.  We are how God has re-made us to be.  The parts of me that I thought were here for good, that were unchangeable, have become something new.  God is for real when He says He wants to purify our hearts and minds.

To paraphrase Beth Moore: "I am not that woman any more."

Mel C

run-a-way

Sometimes I want to run-a-way.  (I like to spell it like that because that's how I say it, it's one word in my world.)  I look at the recipes on a cooking blog and dream of having a kitchen that is predictably available and organized.  I miss cooking and hosting and providing a good time for others.  It is probably one of the biggest hang ups I have about the life that I am currently living.  I love my job, I do not love not having a kitchen to call my very own.  Right now almost everything from "my kitchen" is sitting on a shelf in my overly large bathroom.  I honestly think that Someone could do a little remodeling for me and create a kitchen by adding a wall to my bathroom, I mean what one person needs a bathroom that is bigger then my first dorm room at college?

OMG, that idea may have just changed my entire life.  I need to find a contractor or someone who could do this for me..... I'll need outlets, cabinets, a stove, and a water line.... that shouldn't be too involved should it?  What do you think about that.... I would lose most of my closet space but I am willing to make it work....

Shew, that's not where I saw this going at all.  Oh well, that's where it went.  Welcome to my run-a-way thoughts.

Daydreaming of cooking...

Mel C

So it's almost August.  I'm not sure where the year has gone.  I haven't decided if time is moving faster or if I'm just less aware of it's fading into the past, I'm pretty sure it's moving faster.  I was reflecting over the last two or three years (all the files I have on my current computer) today and was astonished by the things that I had prayed over the years that were now true in my life.

I had voiced the desire to have a job that would follow me home, and I now live where I work.

I realized that I was being lead to full time ministry and wasn't sure what that would look like; now I put 40 hours a week in with a Bible based recovery program.

I wanted a community of like minded believers that would push me to be fully committed and all in in my relationship with God and with them; I now belong to a singles group in a church that practices solid community.

I prayed for emotional healing that I was sure would take many many years and have discovered that it really only took a time of repentance and a little more then a year.

I prayed to be more then just "one of the guys" and have found my self in a place of being able to have healthy well guarded friendships with boys and leaving knowing that I am a woman in their eyes.

And the list goes on.  We serve a faithful God who has saved us from ourselves.  We forget that the biggest issue we have (our sin) is not just a series of actions it is literally part of who we are.  Our problem is ingrained in our beings and the only way we can get passed it is if we are rescued from our selves.  After looking over the last few years I am amazed at the woman that I have been made into.  I don't say that to say that I'm amazing because it is truly nothing I have done to make this change happen.  It has all been at the hand of God and as a result of his redemption of me.

Redeemed and loving it,

Mel C

Summer Nights

Some times I yearn for a few real summer nights.... You know the kind I'm talking about?  Sky so clear that you wish you could count the stars, a light breeze, lightening bugs, windows rolled down kind of night.

The thought of driving down Highway 44 near the county line makes my hear skip a beat.  I love this time of year in Kentucky.  It is a time of cold and hot.  A time of beautiful nights and memories spent under the lights of a softball field.  Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if I had stayed home for college.  Who would I be?  What would I be?  Where would I be?

Would I be the one playing ball in the summers?  Would I own a small business or work in a factory?  Who would I be if I had never truly met God?  And then I realize that it doesn't really matter.  I've gained so many more experiences as a result.  Some of the stories I have happened only because I've been brought down the path that I have been brought down.  I love the life I've been given.

Blessed and Realizing It,

Mel C

The Derby

That's right today we are going to talk about The Kentucky Derby.

 I know that I'm a baptist and so I'm not supposed to endorse things like horse racing (in public) but I'm also from Louisville, Kentucky.  And on the first Saturday in May that means only one thing; The Kentucky Derby.  We have a two, sometimes three week long festival to prepare for the Derby.  Some people think that it's ridiculous to make so much fuss over something that only last for 2 minutes, and I used to be in that party so I know the argument.

I'm going to take a moment to explain to you what happened to change it all for me... Being from Louisville is an advantage because you also realize that Derby is a great time to pick up a little bit of extra money by taking on a seasonal job at the track.  In college myself and several friends began working Derby as mutual tellers (the people who take your bets and your money, and who you should be tipping when you cash out just so you know.)  It was a great way to make some extra money to survive the time from the end of the semester until my first paycheck of the summer.  I loved it!

It was the experience of being at Churchill Downs on Oaks and Derby that showed me just how special this event is.  I still get chills when they sound the call to the gate.  I tear up when they play "My Old Kentucky Home."  And I miss the excitement of being among all those people that are just there for a nice day at the track.

So today, I've made my picks.  I've got three of them.  One is purely based on my gut and it's name, the other is because I laughed when I saw it's name, and the third one is my more serious pick...

Here's to a wet and muddy track and all the chaos that adds to the races!  

Dreaming of thundering hooves and pumping hearts,

Mel C